Grief, Loss, and Productivity

If you have a mental health condition, you’re in good company. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and fortunately, more people are talking about mental health, especially when it comes to grief and loss.

Grief and loss won’t help you have a more productive day…

I won’t get into neurodivergence or certain specific mental health disorders since that’s a whole other can of spray paint (!) As you get older, you may find there’s more to mourn.

It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s complicated grief. Even if it’s someone you’re relieved is gone for whatever reason, you still have feelings about it. 

Loss doesn’t have to be the death of a family member either. It could be the death of a beloved pet, a divorce, or a move to a new location. 

Even empty-nest syndrome can have this effect: you know that your kids need to start living their own adult lives, but still, a chapter of your life has ended.

You can be happy about it – the divorce, the move – and still experience loss and mourn what’s gone. Or try to avoid grieving, with predictable results: you end up getting stressed or emotional over “nothing”, or you lash out at the slightest provocation.

All these reactions are natural and nothing to be ashamed of, though actually feeling your feelings will help you move past them eventually. However, all this does have an effect on your brain.

The best way I can describe it is that grief takes up space in your brain, so that you don’t have your usual amount of processing power. You might have a hard time concentrating on things or feel that you’re more forgetful or not as “sharp” as you used to be. While the functioning usually comes back, it can be frustrating to feel that you’re not on top of your game.

…But supporting your mental health will help you have a more productive day

There’s not a lot you can do with grief besides experience it and acknowledge it. Over time you’ll come back to yourself, but that will take the time it takes. It’s not a linear path from stage to stage. Instead, you’ll find some things trigger the grief and others don’t, and these can change surprisingly quickly!

It’s tempting to either wallow in grief or try to ignore it completely. If you wallow, then you miss out on more positive experiences you could be having. Sometimes the fact that the sun comes up every day makes you feel better in the middle of your mourning, and sometimes it feels like a cruel joke. 

Trying to ignore grief won’t help you either. Of course, you may find that grief comes up in unwelcome places, like in the middle of a meeting at work or a trip to the grocery store. At those times, you might just need to promise yourself that you’re going to hold off until you get to a more private place. 

The things that help are the same things that make you more productive (because they’re good for your brain): moving your body in a way that feels good, eating nourishing tasty food, engaging in an activity you love, and being with friends and family. 

Sometimes it’s also tempting to do all the things you know are bad for you: eat ice cream for breakfast for days at a time, drape yourself on the sofa all day, hide away from friends and family, etc. Once in a while, these things are fine, but over the long run, all of them will make you feel worse and prevent you from healing.

Be kind to yourself (and others)

Don’t punish yourself for being more distracted or forgetful than usual. It’s not going to help and will only make you feel worse. I get that the prevailing cultural sentiment seems to be about punishment, but there’s no deterrent effect. It just makes you feel bad.

Instead, give yourself a break. You know if you’ve been reading my stuff how often your brain needs you to take breaks, and it needs them even more during a time of loss. Recognize that things might take you a little longer, and build that into your schedule.

When you see others are struggling, FFS give them a break instead of killing them (yes, I’m referring to Jordan Neely’s death). Many people have difficult times for reasons that aren’t their fault, just as your struggle after a loss isn’t something you have control over.

Take a breath. You’re not going to finish all the things at this time, so look at what must be done and what’s nice to do and move those onto a different list. Focus only on the things that really need to be done, not the things that you wish could be done or that the culture’s telling you to do. 

Prioritize and you’ll feel much better and less stressed. (Hey, what do you know, this tip works even when you’re not grieving!)

Recap (tl;dr)

Grief hijacks some of your brain power so you’re not functioning the way you normally would. It takes time to work through it and punishing yourself doesn’t help. Give yourself a break, and extend that grace to someone else who’s having trouble too.

Having a problem with distractions, with or without a recent loss? Try out the Distraction Type quiz.